Perhaps Life is Just Random

Getting Ambrosia greek yogurt original flavor, RM 5.90.

This greek yogurt had creamier texture than usual yogurt and less sweet.

2 good things about Ambrosia greek yogurt: 1) can replace the main meal. I’m so full and skipped dinner.  2) helps me pangsai.

I’ll buy more Ambrosia greek yogurt next times.

*****

Awesome Thailand chili sauce,sweet and tangy 

*****

Chasing Korean drama-while you were sleeping.

Got me hooked up on the first and second episodes. Somehow, I feel myself love seeing Lee Jong Suk.

Kudos to the story line of this drama.

2 major characters-Lee Jong Suk and Suzy kept seeing their future in their dreams. So they change the future by avoiding the dreams outcomes.

Suzy is the one who seeing people dies in her dreams and turns to reality. Whereas Lee Jong Suk is the prosecutor who tries to prevent whatever Suzy has dreamt.

Finding episode 9 is quite intense. Please have the good ending. 

*****

I find myself demotivate and lumpish. The thing I enjoy doing most, writing academic articles (even though poor academic English) stop.

I thought myself so stupid. What’s the point reading and writing articles? The results are always the same anyway-none of job application news of private university or college, accidentally works at teaching college doesn’t involve writing articles.

I’ve plenty times for morning jogging, sauna and did the dental check-up.  I don’t have to concern the times doing introduction or literature review chapters in specific amount of hours.

I don’t think it’s worth the stress I go through digesting the articles and write it.

And this is for what actually?

Just forget it.

Until today, I saw this quote, I recovered writing spirit. The quote diminished demotivation feeling.

The key of the quote-even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway.

That works at least for me.

*****

Contacting some public universities, knowing that their main concern academic post application is how I can prove I have doctoral degree.

It needs the senate letter.

Not much I can do at the current moment apart from waiting supervisors, internal examiners, Malay abstract translating, school meeting and finally leads to senate meeting approval.

5 more stages to go. How long it will take? I don’t know. I keep telling myself its couple months of times, it won’t last long.

“Shitty situations don’t last forever, 

so head up and chin up, and 

everything will be okay at the end 

yo”.

I can breathe and own the peaceful times after all.

*****

Dorm room Malay neighbor inspires me to love flowers more than before. I always pluck the pink flowers to offer for Buddha.

It is said than pink flowers help to get more friends. I’m weak in getting more friends and believing Buddha is going blesses me.

When she learns that I develop picking flowers habits, she offered to help me by getting different colors flowers.

She likes Mama, prefer hibiscus-a bright red flowers rather than pink flowers.  Red colors means ‘ong’ for her.

She wants to get yellow flowers after hearing it brings wealth. “You later give yellow flowers to Buddha”

In my heart, I pray she will become rich in one day.

Because of her actions, the offering cup has few types of colors flowers-pink, red and yellow.

Again, she influences me to observe diverse types of flowers in the campus. I just realize besides pink paper flowers, campus has the following pink flowers.

Flower discovering journey is so beautiful. 

Turning Three O Thoughts

I turn 30, this year.

Don’t know where I get the courage to reveal my age “officially” in the blog. I think I’m truthful to it. I don’t want to hide anything in the blog.

Plus, Mama once told me “age doesn’t matter. Even you not disclose your age, your face will tell everything.  In the twenties, face skin supple and gives the healthy glow. In thirties, hyperpigmentation arises. In forties, more wrinkles and lines”.  

One Singaporean actress, Zoe Tay who actually looks like her age. Unlike other actresses, she hasn’t had botox and fillers.

Zoe Tay

She said “I’m pretty contended with what I have today”, “It’s not so bad getting old”, “I’m quite happy with the way I’m”.

So, I surprise to found that passage of times leaves more wrinkles beneath her eyes when she smiles.

"For me, she is the role 

model of aging naturally. She is not 

afraid of aging. This is what I should 

learn from her".

I certainly didn’t think I’ve pocket of thoughts at THREE O, mainly about humans and life. Here’s 4 of them:

#1. Nothing is permanent

I grow up believing eternity. There has eternal life, eternal love, eternal friends and eternal profit. It’s just a myth, the belief nurture in the thoughts, hoping it realize in one day.  The truth is nothing permanent. Almost everything is transient. There’s a quote “time change, people change and life change”.  A girl break up with a boy by saying “you don’t earn well, I don’t see my future with you”. After 3 years, the boy becomes millionaires. A girl loves a boy with nothing. Few years later, he gifts mansion to her on their marriage anniversary. A restaurant with many patrons and requires booking in advance. It shut down after 2 years. The university mates took the same class, we’re on the same recreational clubs, and we love the same drama. But we do apart and change because we have nothing in common. She gets married while I have the career driven single life. These losses make me realize. People come and go. They don’t stay forever, knowing that they temporarily cross my life path. Of course, they will interact once a while, but they are never be the same again. Nothing is permanent, don’t you think?

#2. The grass isn’t greener on the other side.

I spend lots of times wish to have what I don’t have. If I travel to Taiwan, I’d wish to travel to Europe and U.S. If I earn RM 2000 per month, I’d wish to earn double. If I have a garden, I’d wish for a forest. I always want what I don’t have. In my experiences, I desperately want something but once I get it, I don’t seem to want it anymore. And I’ll move to the next things in the wish list. Many have experiences it too. I’m not alone. I compare and think other people have better life. Their moons are always full and the stars are always brighter. I then feeling depressed, anxiety and insecure by the belief I have so little. It results I want more and more, feeling what I have are not enough. I soon realized how wrong I’m. Don’t I know others fight for or work hard for something that no one knows of? A businessman sacrifices his or her personal times to earn billion dollars. The businessman spends many times to water his or her grasses. There’s no such thing life are better on the others. Appearances are deceiving. After all, I learn to stop chasing greener grass and devote times or energy into making my grass as green as it maybe.

#3. People intentions are Never Pure

Anyone and everyone I interact with or having conversation in the current life wants something from me. They just use me as a means to an end. Every time dorm neighbor walks up to me to clarify study problems and request for articles. While some neighbors’ friends are not around, they invite me for outing. I’m not with them if their friends are there. The supervisors what sapp me, it is mostly for favors. Bloggers who endorse certain brand products reply followers’ products questions. They have no times for the followers’ not-so-important questions. NGO friends want me to join them because they need free labors as much as possible. Have you or anyone you know interact with others without benefits? My answer is absolutely “NO”.  Naïve and innocent me once believe people interact for having more friends, but I’m going to think the reason and rationales behind the interaction nowadays. My instant reaction if people approach me “what he or she wants from me?” If I’m familiar with that people, I can detect his or her intentions. For the new people, it takes me for a while to analyze his or her intentions. People interactions are like the business world-using each other. I remembered one of friend’s descriptions-I scratch you and you scratch mine. As times moves on, I learn to accept people interactions are never pure. Possible in one day I like them too to approach someone to further my own goals and success. This is all I need to know.

#4. People has the need to put others down

I meet the people whom put others down. They tend to see the negative aspects of others while overlook all the positive. Besides seeing, they criticize and comment the negatives to give them a sense of superiority instantly. It sounds bitter and can’t help. It happens everywhere. Senior peers look down upon young peers for being immoral and immature. Young peers look down upon senior peers for being old fashioned and rigid. Singaporeans look down on Malaysians incapable to speak in English fluently. Malaysians feel superior in earning Singapore dollars than other Malaysians counterparts. Rich people look down on poor people for being uncivilized. Poor people look down on rich people for being arrogant and greedy. All these can be the way of society bring us and the characteristics of the people. What am I going to do when someone put me down? First, I try to improve myself and prove him or her wrong if a superior person look down on me. This is exactly what Mama has taught me “做人要有骨气”. Second, if an inferior person look down on me, I sympathy his or her ignorance and pray Buddha to give him or her more wisdom. Third, if I’m look down because of unreasonable reason such as religion, nationality and race, I’m not going to argue with the “idiot”. Idiot will downgrade me to their level. 

Will these thoughts will be changed, transformed and collapsed? Let see how. 

The hope, uncertainty, selfish attitudes and happiness

I started to apply jobs recently. I send the applications to some universities. Last time I worked at colleges with low pay. This time I try universities whom have better pay if having doctoral degree.

Who don’t want higher pay? I want, I can have not only “cuti-cuti Malaysia” but also “cuti luar negara”, more savings on cars and house investments.

I’m typical or ordinary working adult. #reality #dealingreality #salaryiseverything

And not to forget, I enjoyed the job of nature as a lecturer last time-little interaction with the colleagues/not much office politics and static workloads assigned at the early semester rather than ad hoc tasks like administrators did.

But I’ve no idea on the university environment, people and structures. Hoped I can get chances to join the university. 

_ _ _ _ _

I learnt new thing: Key Selection Criteria (KSC) when UK and Australia based university required its’ responses.

This is what I get after Google reading:

“KSC is the statement related to knowledge, skills, abilities and experiences to do a specific job”

“Thinking about specific examples or situations where I can demonstrate my knowledge, skills, abilities and experiences”

“The examples or situations can be based on working experiences, studies, extra-curricular activities and volunteer works”.

I had spent 4 days to write the responses of KSC. I tried my best to describe the knowledge, skills, abilities and experiences to do a lecturer.

I finally understood without working experiences and certain level of educations, I can’t describe with details.

Indeed, KSC designed to match the position requirements with the applicants’ knowledge, skills, abilities and experiences.

I shared KSC writing feelings with Naruto. She said “hur?!? Why so hard?” I replied “I’ve no idea but what I know is it arise migraine”.

HAHAHAHA.

_ _ _ _ _

Receiving co-supervisor notifications in giving thesis corrections’ comments. Her message really surprised me.

Under her supervision for 1 1/2 years, I never ever saw her acts so fast in giving comments on the thesis I emailed one day ago.

I assured myself she maybe tied up with the workloads. To my minds, 2 feedbacks for the thesis in each semester were quite common.

Until now, I still remembered the disappointment when supervisor returned the thesis without any comments except in the first and second pages.

But this times her actions blow my mind especially read my writings and pointed out the mistakes.

The feeling of “biological mother” is back. I’m not the “stepchild”. At the end of meeting, she expressed a statement which I can’t forget.

“I want you to be my assistant soon so you have to submit everything to the internal examiners”

This is the reason behind her actions. 

_ _ _ _ _

(Calling to the UTAR Sungai Long campus)

“Isn’t HR division?” 

“How’s my application status?” 

“Hold on ya. Your application is not successful”. 

“Why?” 

“You only have Master of HRM right?”  

“Yes”. 

“And UTAR don’t offer HRM courses”.

I was rejected by the UTAR on the academic post I applied several months ago. Someone said “what you want is not what you get”

It’s so true in this situation.

The irony thing is vacancy advertisements posted in UTAR website required PhD/Master/Bachelor degree’s qualifications.

It not mentions priority was given to the PhD qualifications. But the HR officer looked down due to Master degree qualifications.

Plus, UTAR don’t offer HRM course is not true. It has actually.

WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT THE 

HELL!!!

  

FUCK IT!!!

WHAT DID IT WANTS???

The tears streamed down my face. 

_ _ _ _ _

I guess all the not so smooth application process, unknown future and the supervisors’ behaviors changed me into spiritual persons.

I burnt the holly sticks and lighting candles many times every day. No one I can talk to and they were not interested in listening to the worries and rants.

Buddha is the one whom I found I can talk to. In front of Buddha, I can be the true form of myself. I wouldn’t be judged.

And I believed Buddha will help me.

Holly sticks became energizer to lift my spirits and souls. While holly sticks were burned, I enjoyed a moment of peace and quiet. 

“Anyway, here’s the Alor Setar outing

 day to lighten things up”

Nasi lemak& teh ais

One thing I had changed- love hunting for roadside nasi lemak since the nasi lemak were served on the banana leaves which gave extra aroma and fragrances.

Alor Setar, Jitra and Changloon’s nasi lemak vary in terms of prices and taste.

Nasi lemak of Changloon were slightly expensive than Alor Setar and Jitra. Nasi lemak in Alor Setar, Jitra also fulfilled my important criterion- the sambal.

This sambal was fiery and slightly sweet. I found it quite appealing. I could say it was the best sambal I had eaten in October.

The new bread I wished to try-Roti Palembang.

McDonald’s Thai fish burger.

Thai fish burger bun is soft and fluffy.  

The fish fillet is thick, filled with flavors and juicy. It’s worth to note that the mixed vegetables were so crunchy.

Purchasing Ginkgold tablets at Chinese herbal store. Initially I want was Ginseng Bu Nao Zhi but the tauke Chinese herbal store recommended Ginkgold tablets were better.

Ginkgold tablets

A customer talked with me when the tauke took Ginkgold tablets for me. Here’s the conversation:

Customer A: “Ah Moi, you know kah, 

this tauke is the medical doctor”.

(Me is in unbelievable face)

Tauke: "HAHAHAH. I’m not the 

medical doctor. I tell you with my 

experiences".

Same things happened in my hometown. Rural folks addressed one of the tauke Chinese herbal stores as “Tua Loktor” (i.e big doctor)

He prescribed medicines accurately because of his experiences. When any diseases got no solutions, rural folks seek “Tua Loktor”.

_ _ _ _ _

Ending this post with the Indonesia song I high on lately- “Asal kau bahagia”

Everything Update

8 September 2017

Occasional lunch venue, MAS carried out renovations.  New semester, new chairs & tables, new feelings attract more students like me. It perhaps embraced Chinese New Year philosophy-new hairstyles, shoes and clothes to wash away the bad luck.

Hard to find the bar tables and chairs in the common cafeteria except for high-class bar & bistro or coffee houses.

I make fun by taking off my shoes, bare foot and shaking the legs while having the meal. I felt I was in the playground swing seat. 

*********

9 September 2017

“My PhD supervisors are really good”

“They always check my write up” 

“They comment and critic entire write up” 

 “I take up 8 or 9 months to complete one chapter but I gain satisfaction” 

“It’s worth it. I learn a lot from them”

A neighbor told me her Phd progress and the conversation lead to the supervisors’ dedication in guiding her.

I guess it once again reminded me how my main supervisor’s dedication. I never complained her tight deadlines of write up being given.

I always thankful her in pushing my progress. Needless to say, I feel the same way exactly liked the neighbor. 

But the dedication was not lasted longer. Everything will come to an end, right? Nothing in the world is permanent.

I missed her dedication but I wondered sometimes if this aspect was really worth missing?

*********

12 September 2017

Peers A: This new semester I have to 

pay my own tuition and accommodation fees,RM 4000. MyBrain not covers  anymore. And my mother bears all   the cost since I don’t have income. 

Peers B: I feel want to defer the study when it not requires tuition fees. But end up no place to stay.

Peers C: I can’t afford to stay in the single room this semester. I’m going to share with someone else.  Accommodation fees will be cheaper, RM 1440 to RM 720.

These are whines and groans of my Ph.D peers lately. They run out the funds when came to 4^th years of PhD studies.

There’s no exception for me but I was not committed to the monthly cars installment. They had and some even find the job not only to feed themselves but also the cars. *POOR SCHOLARS*

I have no objections as everyone has different financial planning.

At that moment, I wish in the Ph.D journey got someone teach us on what kind of financial difficulties we might face, how to deal with them. Most importantly, someone could help us address the anxieties, tensions and rages throughout the Ph.D process. 

*********

16 September 2017

First round dinner at Texas Chicken, Alor Setar. Another half an hour, a friend brought me to second round dinner, Laksa and Cendol at Olala 1.

I’m not going to have many chances in the future. So, it’s ok. Eat, eat, eat, eat.

Then I asked her why she picked Olala 1, she said it went viral in the Facebook. Can’t deny social media is the powerful marketing tools.

I surprisingly found that many varieties of Cendol:

#1 Cenlut

#2 Cenka

#3 Cengong,

#4 Cenbu

#5 Cenpai

#6 Cenyan

Oh well, all these were the abbreviation of the cendol names

#1 Cenlut-Cendol Pulut 

#2 Cenka-Cendol Nangka 

#3 Cengong-Cendol Jagong 

#4 Cenbu-Cendol Labu 

#5 Cenpai-Cendol Tapai

I heard this for the first time. How can Tapai (i.e fermented rice with sharp taste) in the cendol?!?

#6 Cenyan-Cendol Durian

Cendol Jagung and Kacang, such a big owl and I can’t finished.

Laksa. The broth was quite thick and aromatic from the sardines.  

*********

22 September 2017

In the blurred vision when I woke up, I made my way to the washrooms.  Prior reaching washroom, I heard cats’ terrible noises.

There were 2 cats; male and female cats in the mating process. Their mating process was not in the washroom corner but in the washroom entrance.

They had blocked my way, which pissed me off.  So, my instant reaction was- “shhhhh” them and they apart.

I step on a pool of water once I opened the room door. Why is the floor wet? The water has smells and yellow colors!

GOSH!!! That was cat’s urine. The male cat who I shouting at couple minutes ago was peeing in my room.

The male cat stared at me. He seemed wanted to see my reaction. *RAGE*.  He gave me extra cleaning job.

And then the worst part, the cat pee scents never gone for few days!!!

*********

24 September 2017

Looked up the sky. Take the deep breath. The clouds today had a line which tally with the hanging rope.

It’s amazing!!!

*********

25 September 2017

New mattress.

At first, I was not willing to exchange the old mattress with the new one. Neighbor advised me “they give you, you should take it”.

But new mattress not brought happiness because I not get used to it. I was not fully comfortable with the hardness and affected the sleep quality.