I Did It !!! I Pass It !!!

I passed my Phd Viva on 21 September 2017, 7 days ago. In the Phd journey, I had pondered countless times on Phd Viva, which is the final stage.

No Phd candidates can achieve this stage if supervisors don’t let them to submit because supervisors know Phd candidates are going to fail in justifying the thesis.

This is what I have seen in Phd peers; some in the proposal defense, another in data collection process while others analyze their data.  All these require pains, trials, hardships and tears lasted for 3-6 years.

Truth to be told, I’m quite grateful and lucky to reach this stage on 36 months, within the funding time frame as well as my own Phd process planning.

One week before Phd Viva, supervisor organized mock viva. I did my best in answering all the questions. The supervisors gave me feedback based on the oral performance.

This is very odd exclusively supervisors devoted their times to critically commented my oral performance and answers. This never occurred. It was the first time and also the last time in the Phd journey. 

Anyhow, mock viva taught me to express my answers confidently and honestly. Supervisors suggested the appropriate formal attires. They cautioned me to get ready a copy of the thesis, pens and notebooks.

In the following days, I practiced my answers. I would walk around the room reading the thesis and then memory it. I stood in front of the mirror vocalizing the answers. I wished to use the suitable body gestures and eye contacts.

I liked this preparation. Perhaps this preparation sounds like nothing, but I didn’t want to leave anything to the last minutes as this caused more stress which I hated.

One day to go for Viva, anxiety and apprehension grew as the time closer to the Viva. My mind conjuring all the possible thoughts on “I don’t pass the Viva”.

Though I don’t pass the Viva, I gained hugely from the Phd experience: learning how to conduct the research, publish articles, and meet the academicians in the conference.

JoJo’s words, “let it go” reassured me too.  Viva result beyond my control and what I can do is minimize it to the small corner in the brain.

"Breath. Breath. Breath".

"Calm. Calm. Calm".

"And believe".

On the day for Viva, I arrived the school early, 8.30am and directly went to the Viva room. I ready to confront the fate.

The table, laptop and projector were already set up. I then placed my thesis, notebook and pens I needed on the table.

My co-supervisor came after 15 minutes. She was light chatting with me about the slides presentation and what would happen in the Viva.

After that, chairman, external and internal examiners walked into the room. I started to feel nervous and anxiety. External and internal examiners made an effort to reduce my anxiety -by asking my background followed with jokes.

The use of background as opening questions was the good way for warm up. Straight after warm up, it was presentation session.

I spend 7 minutes to present my 22 slides. Chairman commented how efficiency my presentation. Once the presentation done, it was 2 hours questioning and debating from external and internal examiners.

What struck me were none of the predicted questions being asked. That meant I had to think on my feet. Some questions were challenging while others were easy and simple.

Here were the questions I vaguely asked about as I didn’t remember the details of the questions:

“Explaining why you select construction industry as your target sample?”

“Why you want to use SmartPLS?”

“Some pages in your Literature Review read like a textbook. Try to synthesize it.”

“How come your underlying theory not included weakness?”

“Mediation test has partial and full mediation? What’s your opinion?” 

“The main reason to choose the research instrument is based on reliability value instead cited by many authors.”

I was told the Viva had finished and I had to wait the verdict until they called me back. 10 minutes outside the room felt like about 1 hour- the time freeze by. 

I then went back to the room and being congratulated passed with minor corrections. 3 months were allowed for them to be made.

Phew!!!

It was enormous relief. I couldn’t help but think what an amazing way to complete this journey after years of intensive study and persistence and 13 days before my 30^th birthday.

This was what I wanted for, and the expected outcome from the main supervisor. External and internal examiners went through all the amendments they wanted me to do in their report.

The best of all on the report: “The thesis very easy and interesting to read. Not much language related problem”

The worst part on the other hand: many constructive comments that will take times-searching, analyzing and digesting articles again. On top of that, internal examiner will check the amendments.

“One more step, Lee Chin”.

Co-supervisor said to me upon learning my situation. Such the true words. ♥♥♥♥♥♥

The phone ring was started once I shared the good news with the main supervisor. She was not with me on the Viva day.

I heard the most wonderful two words from her –恭喜.

I posted the good news in the WhatsApp family chat. Everyone say congratulation. HAHAHAHA. I was the recipient of many congratulations texts on that day.

I surprisingly found that the relief didn’t happen more than 1 day while I struggled in making corrections currently. I found myself had inevitable writer blocks.

Below picture accurately express how I felt.  

By the way, I’m not saying this to sound cool.

Adrenaline rushed on me to make the corrections. The so called “mistakes” were due to the subjective matters. Supervisors, internal and external examiners had different personal opinions, interpretations, point of views and judgments.

Writing definitely different after all.

I realize the implications surviving from Viva. That is, no celebrations until the amendments are accepted and the university’s official notifications have been confirmed upon on me.

This is my screen of slides presentations, staring at it and pretending to be calmed.

Do You Know How Much I Miss You, Silver Suitcase?

Update on **7 September 2017**

Papa, Mama and Mickey send me to the Sibu airport last Wednesday. By the time we reached Sibu airport, it was 9.00 am and the flight bounded to Kuala Lumpur will take off 1 ½ hour later.

It considered late since Mama and me get to the airport ridiculously early in fear of missing the flights. I almost never get to the departure halls less than 1 hour before the flights departs.

The driver, Mickey woke up but struggled to get out from her sweet bed on that early morning. She did at the end thanks to the Mama’s nagging.

She scrolled endlessly her Facebook, Instagram and other social networking sites while taking breakfast. These screen times really interfered her. Times wasted too.

We quarreled and argued with each other about arranging the 2 suitcases at the back of the car. This issue could be done in advance rather than last minutes.

Mama has one habit, cleaned the house before going to somewhere. These summed up we go against our plan to embark on 6.30am.

Bid farewell with Papa, Mama & Mickey 

I immediately went to the Air Asia self-check-in kiosk to print boarding pass and luggage tag. I’m glad that check-in process still could be done as the process will be closed 1 hour before departure time.

I proceed to the baggage drop counter and found that the baggage over weighted. It beyond my expectation candles, holly sticks and 3 in 1 coffees were so heavy.

Mama did help me in adjusting the overweight luggage.  Her adjusting speed was quite fast. I definitely need more times to adjust if without Mama.

Sugarbun 

Die die must eat something from Sugarbun before I left. 

I breathed a sigh of relief by going to the Sugarbun having breakfast again. Hopefully, my stomach wouldn’t growl when in the plane later.

2 kampung chicken eggs & a cup of coffee.

Giant MOMA water signboard in the Sibu airport. Apparently MOMA water is alkaline water created by Yumi, a Japanese lady who follows her husband migrates to Sibu.

Probably I’ll try it to support Sarawak product.

While I handed my boarding pass and identity card to the airport staff, suddenly the staff put my hand-carry silver suitcase on the weighing scales.

HOLY CRAP!!! OH SHIT!!!

I couldn’t contemplate Air Asia airlines enforced the recent update rules-2 pieces of hand carry luggage doesn’t exceed 7kg.

Using Air Asia airlines almost 7 years, the staff never dedicated in weighing the hand-carry suitcase. Most of them not even looked at my hand-carry suitcase.

It was found that my hand-carry silver suitcase exceed 4 kg. I was so SUAY. The staff warned me purchased luggage.

Without hesitation, I queued at the baggage drop counter and purchased luggage. To my horror, the baggage drop staff said:

“You have 1 luggage already, so you can’t add. If you insist, it considers as last minute luggage charges. And it is Rm 50 per kg. You have to pay RM 500. It’s better to adjust your hand-carry suitcase to 7 kg.”

The anxiety and discomfort felt during that time only last for seconds as I had no time when the clocks showed 9.40 am.

The flight will depart on 10.30 am and I still in the arrival hall. Aarghhhh.

silver suitcase

I decided to take out laptop from the suitcase and left the silver suitcase in the entrance so that Mickey could collect it.

Ripped off issue completely out from mind during the panic moment. Papa’s advice in putting the silver suitcase at Sugarbun was neglected too.

The only thing in my mind:

"Not missed the flight. Don’t waste the money. I must run to the departure hall". 

Thankfully everything turned out smooth at immigration clearance and departure scanning.

Everyone in the airport had their own hand carry suitcase. They were not caught off over weighted, don’t they?

It was a huge hole on my heart when I left silver suitcase.  Sure, I left others before but couldn’t compare with silver suitcase that with me each time travelled.

We had been to Miri, Korea, Hong Kong and Bali. It occupied some corners of the rooms.  I left it this time. I fly alone.

“What if it steals by someone?”  “When Mickey will come to take it?”-the struggles on the plane. I finally understood the desperation of left and grasped the concept of left.

After landing I received the good news, it’s with Mickey together.  Unhappiness and anxiety were gone.

Silver suitcase, you must miss me quite a bit, don’t you? But you never know I miss you more than you know.

I hoped I will say hello with you very soon.

My Day in Mundane Detail

Citra Alti, 金成利; a old boat company send people to Kuching within 4 days 

 "Is there any crocodiles here?"

"No, I think. Plenty of fishes over here could eat by crocodiles. Humans not yet." 

 I screamed crossing floating platform. Papa teased each time. 你太好命了

This is where I released the fishes. Papa's ear not going to listen my screaming sound. Environment so tranquil and peaceful-water lapping and birds chapping sound. 

Two fishes. Three fishes. Five fishes. Ten fishes.

I forget how many fishes I had been released. So rises or falls marginally, I don’t emphasize.

I don’t want to see them suffer and want to save their lives. To make it more powerful, I citied Buddha mantra at the time released them. Buddha mantra like below:

天吒吒， 地吒吒，苦网变成佛袈裟，

山中鸟兽尽巢穴，水中鱼鳖尽归沙，

一切昆虫归净土，若有一个走不脱，

山神水将来救他，

俺，兜利兜利， 膜啊兜利，兜多利，娑婆阿

Saving fishes lives and granted their freedom is such wonderful and nice feelings. Really don’t know how to depict that feeling. 

_ _ _ _ _

(Driving lesson)

Mickey: Why you accelerate again when you learn the road has many holes?

Me: Ok, I will slow down a bit.

Mickey: Have you seen the holes? Do you know how to avoid them?

Me: I have seen them far away but still fail to avoid them.

Mickey: Aiyoh, why your responses very slow?

Me: I should drive slowly because sharp bent. Papa tells me.

Mickey: Papa no need tells you. You can see lah. Papa says you have pass in his driving test but not me. Your Papa driving skill not perfect, he is not strict. Whatever you do, he likes.

Mickey 真是伤了我脆弱的心灵 

_ _ _ _ _

Massive road works were carried for Pan Borneo highway.

Delighting at seeing the progress of Pan Borneo highway. Sarawak’s infrastructures and development are behind Peninsular Malaysia though we have gained 55 years of independence.

Pan Borneo highway considers as the mega project executed in Sarawak so far. Federal government finally allocates the budget to improve Sarawak.

It is sort of gift that make Sarawak unique.

Trees removal, hills clearing, pouring concretes and finally make the highway. It takes many years to complete Pan Borneo highway.

Mama wondered if she gets the chance to use Pan Borneo highway before she dies.

I promise her I’ll snap Pan Borneo highway picture and burn for her when she is not in the world. 

“you can take the girl out from the Sarawak but you can’t take the Sarawak out of the girl”. 

_ _ _ _ _ 

Bak Zhangs

“This Bak Zhang for you”

“And the last one for me”

“Mickey not keen on Bak Zhang”

“JoJo holds the similar role like you in finishing Bak Zhang”

“I use 4 days times to finish 4 Bak Zhangs when no one in home”

“I request Jiu Jiu not give many Bak Zhangs so that I don’t get bored on them”

 _ _ _ _ _ 

I reminded myself again and again I shouldn’t take granted for what Mama had done to me. It’s better to pen down appreciation picture of Mama so that I can look back in one day.

Can’t be thanked her enough in my entire life. Many people would say nothing to hype about Mama’s love for the kids. As I know, not every mother has time to apply scar cream (above picture) for their kids especially big kids like me.

Normally they assume their kids get the idea on how to take care themselves. No matter I’m young or old, Mama never changes her action. It doesn’t mean I’m not independent, from other perspective it can be the single thing Mama can do for their kids while I’m in home temporarily.

"I never envy other friends who have good mother because I have a good mother."

Looking this not so perfect picture make my burst into tears. Mama not only takes care of me but make me feel love. Love literally is action word. 

 _ _ _ _ _ 

Cold and wet lately.

A good gift from Buddha when I whine much heat,

Mama hated raining season. She fond the sunshine smells on the laundries. Piles of laundries awaited her. Handling laundries was quite Mama’s nightmare.

Her mood was being affected.

Growing up make me understood Mama’s pains and difficulties. I helped her with the house chores.

I washed the dishes and cleaned the dining table though I sickening in it.

Someone once said “single woman take care of herself, whereas married woman have to take care whole family”.

"No more “I” anymore, it is “us” after having family."

It’s all about responsibility and commitment.

 _ _ _ _ _ 

Papa wake up,

Went to market to get breakfast

Packed along with Jiu Jiu home cooked breakfast,

Went to market again chatting and “lim teh” with friends, this time purely was his entertainment hour,

Went home to eat lunch,

And reading newspaper,

Papa rested his eyes and dozed off on the couch.

No idea how tired he must be fallen asleep on the couch?!?

No Idea, No idea?!?

 _ _ _ _ _ 

Not walk this path quite a long time.

But today I come across by car. Not by foot.

This is not the life improvement. Car driving practice drives to this path.

Jiu Jiu holds our small hands on the way back to the home.

Jiu Jiu afraid we lack of knowledge in crossing the roads and knock down by the vehicles.

“Ah Jiu, the home still far away”

“Not far, just walk, walk and walk you will reach home”

“Ah Gu, jia ba boi?” (kampung people call Jiu Jiu “Ah Gu”; jia ba boi=have you take your dinner?)

“Ah Gu”. Another kampung people excited call Jiu Jiu

“Ah Gu, Jin Gu Bo Kua Dio Lu”. (Jin Gu Bo Kua Dio Lu=long time no see you already)

I realized Jiu Jiu has many friends, because Ah Gu non-stop. Ah Gu not dull but we were. 

The Countdown Has Begun

Usual breakfast place and options; dry noodles, kueh chap & three layer tea 

The Phd supervisor finally gave me a date for Viva. It is a thesis oral examination with examiners. It will take place two weeks from now.

Soon, I bought the flight tickets added 20kg suitcases allowance. I don’t usually like extra suitcases but I carry many home supply groceries, thanks to the unfunded situation.

Mama is the one that packed groceries as long as the suitcases can fit them. I mean, entire mothers in the universe will do that if their kids leave homes, right?

Suitcases were regularly examined by Mama contingent upon I dismiss necessary groceries from my mind. This is the beauty of Mama. No one will ever love me more than Mama in this world.

On the other hand, another purpose of the extra suitcases will be used to bring my belongings back hometown during coming end of this semester.

Oh god, this move is stressful.

“2 weeks, 1 week, 5 days you’ll leave”. Papa said. Obviously, that is not me going to count but him. I can see the pride flashes in his eyes like the hunter victoriously hunts the animals.

Unlike hunter proudly poses pictures with killed animals in social media, Papa disclosed with relatives to boast of his proudness.

But I ceased his disclosure and broadcasting.

Each conversation we have I feel he thought I’ll pass the Viva. This Viva certainly relate with the good ending. His daughter can escape and release from the Phd journey.

It can be my fault as I rarely explained to him result Viva has 3 types: minor, major correction & reviva. Whatever result, it took times to complete.

This journey really, really tests my patience and perseverance.

Jiu Jiu consciously took me to KFC for dinner, sign of good bye.

If others don’t know, they without doubt speculate Jiu Jiu is the ambassador of KFC Saratok as any celebrations took place over there.

KFC Saratok stands out as the recent good place for hanging out; cool and clean surroundings, crispy and reasonable chickens and other meals.

I ordered whatever I loved, chatted and laughed with him. Maybe I’ll see him on next year Chinese New Year.

Hence, I enjoyed every moment we had.

 As for myself, I’ll focus on the thesis; crafting potential questions, make effort to answer, pursuit the correct answer if unsure and hold the notes for myself.

I heard Viva often asks questions you haven’t prepare and expect. But I still have to remember what I know, how to do the presentation and practicing the slide presentation.

I tell myself “at least I have done something, hope it turns out what I wanted. If not goes the way I plan, I have no regrets because I really work hard”.

The countdown has begun. Being assigned a date reduce my nervousness, apprehension, fears and anxiety.

The race against Phd fund will be ended. Demoralized on the grounds of supervisors’ robust critics and attitudes will be gone.

It sounds ironic but it is true. I felt the weights slowly lifted from me. 

I just hoped Viva day fast approaching. I honestly look forward to that day. I accept it as the necessities and procedures that must go through.

Thinking from positive perspective, it impacts my future. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. All I can wish for smooth Viva process and comfortable life after.